Memo to brown-nosers: You're ruining the curve.
You know who you are. You're the one who stays late every single night. You volunteer for extra projects, even though you're swamped as it is. You tell the boss how fantastic his butt-ugly tie is and laugh at his sexist jokes.
I'm putting a stop to this right now.
Because you're ruining it for everyone. Those who leave at five o'clock because we coach little league. The ones who suggest hiring temps rather than take on yet another impossible assignment. People who would rather have their faces kicked in than listen to another stupid knock-knock joke.
You know--the ones with lives?
I'm aware that you aren't familiar with this concept. If you were, eating take-out from a cardboard container while hunched over the copy-machine would not leap to the top of your To Do list. You're probably lonely. Devoid of hobbies. Avoiding your irritating wife. Your kids hate you. I get it.
But don't take it out on us. Throwing yourself into your work to avoid your own issues means that the rest of us are being held to the same impractical standard. Soon the managers expect the rest of us to work weekends. Wake up at four in the morning for an east coast conference call. We get passed up for promotions, and earn poor performance reviews. The managers forget that we're doing our jobs, simply because we aren't also doing way more than our jobs require.
This is why there are so many incompetent people running companies, such a long work-week, and fewer vacation days. Because losers like you put up with it. If every worker said "no" to pulling all-nighters, then guess what? No more all-nighters. If "I can't, my kid is turning five today" were an acceptable excuse, we'd actually get to see our kids while they're still small. If we demonstrate that it's impossible to get our work done in the time allotted, the managers will have to hire more people, rather than hold employees hostage under fear of losing their jobs.
Our current labor-culture insists that work be a first priority in everyone's life, whether you’re a waitress or a CEO. We should work to live, not the other way around. But that isn't going happen as long as you're foregoing your vacation time and accruing five years' worth of sick days. It's an endless cycle: those without lives outside of work are considered dedicated. They get promoted. They then expect their employees to not have lives outside of work, either.
We’re sick of it. We’re starting a movement right now, so consider yourself warned.
Every time you stay late at work, we will kick you where it hurts.
Every time you come in on a weekend, we will key your car.
Every time you volunteer for an extra assignment, we will spike your Diet Coke with something that will have you heaving all afternoon in the company bathroom.
Every time you cringe and say "Yes, sir" when the boss is a complete jerk, we will hack into your e-mail account and send offensive e-mail forwards under your name.
As for your issues, deal with them on your own time. Clinically depressed? Take up yoga. Hate your wife? Get a divorce and sign up for eHarmony.com. Need a hobby? Learn how to fly fish. It doesn’t matter what you do, the point is to do it on your own time and leave us alone.
Don't punish the rest of us just because you are socially impotent.
We shall overcome.
(This article was intended as satire and should be interpreted as such, unless you have no sense of humor, in which case, this article was probably for you.)
